MALLINation

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Every year at this time, we here at Mallination try to bring you a new list of Thanksgiving Turkeys – films so bad they can only be compared to a dumb, flightless, tasty, “jive” bird.  As an added bonus I’ve invited guest blogger Sean McDonald to contribute his own list of 5 to my list of 5 , forming a combined “super-list” of 10. Please note, Sean’s opinions are entirely his own. In other words I liked Munich despite the egregious use of intercutting during the penultimate love scene.  Enjoy the bad cinema, and happy Thanksgiving!

Noah’s List:

Two Much

My wife actually saved this for me on our DVR knowing that it would be a turkey shoo-in and she was right as always. Three of the most expressive actors of a generation, Antonio Banderas, Melanie Griffith, and Daryl Hannah, team up to star in a film that starts with the premise that Banderas is going to pull off a con by pretending to be twins. The twins are thoughtfully names Art and Bart and can be distinguished by whether Banderas is wearing his hair down and has his glasses on or a ponytail and no glasses. Naturally Art is an artist (or should I say “artist”) and Bart, well, surprisingly doesn’t work for Bay Area Rapid Transit given the literal-mindedness of the rest of this would-be screwball comedy. The lowlight is  a scene in which both Bart and Art have to be in the same room at the same time. Employing a handy doorway, some pacing and a quick hand at whipping off glasses and pulling hair back Banderas plays both characters at once. It’s indeed, Two Much.

The Power

George Hamilton plays a scientist (!) in the boringest movie ever about telekinesis.  As the members of the Human Endurance Committee (of which the film’s audience should be inducted into as honorary members) gather to puzzle over vague “test” results that suggest one of them has extraordinary powers, strange murders begin popping up. While half the cast overacts their pants off, the other half attempts to compensate by woefully underacting. Even stranger are the inept attempts at Hitchcockian set pieces like an inadvertently hilarious desert sequence that finds be-suited and tanned Hamilton struggling woodenly with a large, sweaty, Jeep driver before being attacked by jets on a bombing range. While these may sound like exciting activities you may find yourself wishing for the mind control to zap director Byron Zaskin into another dimension.

Octaman

Pity beautiful Pier Angeli, the Italian actress who compounded her drug overdose at the age of 39 with the fact that this piece of cinematic effluvia stands as her last film. Monster creation legend Rick Baker also got his start in this low-budget atrocity and judging by the incredibly lame Octaman costume a career in Hollywood was less-than assured. While still not as disturbing as the real-life Octomom, Octaman concerns Mexicans (fake), scientists (woefully fake), and a mutated half-man, half-octopus creature(ridiculously fake). For some reason two of the full-grown Octaman’s tentacles are suspiciously arm-like, and his slacks are quite something. It’s also worth noting that he has compound eyes for no other reason than that was the trick lens that they rented for the shoot.

88 Minutes

The titular 88 Minutes of this crap fest reference not just the 88 Minutes Al Pacino is informed he has left to live, but the 88 minutes of the viewers life that will sadly never be returned to them by this film that would barely rate as a subpar episode of Jake and The Fatman (look it up, kids). Pacino plays your everyday, average, super wealthy forensic psychologist/teacher who keeps having his dull serial killer seminar interrupted by a rude cell phone caller. And then he goes back to teacher. Thrilling! Leelee Sobieski does what she can to make things worse and Alicia Witt should be angling to get that cell phone away from Pacino so she can call her agent.  The best thing about the film are the heights to which it has inspired reviewers – “Al Pacino’s festival of hair” from the Chicago Tribune’s Michael Phillips is a particular favorite. Nominated for “Best Goatee”.

The Doors

Kyle Maclachlan, Meg Ryan, Kevin Dillon, and Val Kilmer combine all the worst parts of the acting styles in a film that also highlights the worst kind of glib, truthy-but-not-truthful, self-serious film making Oliver Stone is capable of.  The dialogue is actually worse than Morrison’s poetry. Kilmer gives a performance that captures all the self involved assholiness of Morrison without ever diving underneath. Ryan is woefully miscast as the love interest. Stone treats every scene with the kind of reverence usually reserved for a nativity pageant.

Sean’s List

I have a soft spot for bad movies. The kinds of movies that gleefully accept they are bad, that wink and smile through 95 minutes of glorious silliness. I think that Stephen Sommers’  Deep Rising is the Citizen Kane of great bad movies. There is another set of movies that are so easy to target (I am looking at you Paul W.S. Anderson) that wasting any more time one them is pointless. Then there is the third category of bad: Films that made me ANGRY as I watched them.

The Quest

Jean-Claude Van Damme’s directorial debut, my least favorite movie of all time and according to IMDB, Roger Moore’s least favorite of his own films. The primary problem is that this movie claims to be 95 minutes long. Let’s just say that 95 minutes has been artificially augmented. Every fight scene is soaked in unnecessary slow motion, “Scorsese stretches”, use of the same shot from multiple angles (don’t want to waste anything) and of course JCVD getting the crap kicked out of him, only to come back strong and win the fight. The clip barely does justice to what may be to worst edited film of all time. (Side Note – Did you know that James Remar has 111 acting credits? And his most memorable role was as Samantha’s boyfriend from TV’s Sex and the City?)

How The Grinch Stole Christmas

This was the cinematic equivalent to the scene in Mad Men (Season 2 spoiler alert!) when Joan’s fiancé forced himself on her on the floor of Don Draper’s office. Despite her pleas to stop and attempts to restrain him, he keeps on going and she quits resisting. I stared away at he wall blankly for the first 30 minutes of this, eventually willing myself to sleep. F you Ron Howard. (Side note – did you know the little girl now plays one of the leads in Gossip Girl? No, I didn’t care either).

Strange Wilderness

Truly one of the un-funniest “comedies” I have ever sat through (it was a rental, but still). What is truly amazing is that this clip STILL makes me laugh every time  -

- but it is the ONLY funny moment in this entire misbegotten disaster. There is no story, are no funny characters and no other funny moments. I have already put more thought into this paragraph than the filmmakers did on this entire 87 minute piece of horseshit (Side Note – Did you know that horseshit is Tom Hanks favorite swear word?)

The Last Kiss

What I find the most shocking about his most is that the great Paul Haggis wrote this. This movie basically took Chris Rock’s “New P***y, Old P****y” monologue, layered on a thick measure of anxiety and slapped you in the face with this sock full of man-angst for 103 minutes. I am not sure what kind of influence Zach Braff had on this movie, but any good will he built up with Garden State got flushed away. (Side Note – Paul Haggis’s first writing credit is from the original Love Boat TV series).

Munich

Look, I love Jewish Revenge Fantasies as much as the next guy (Marathon Man and Inglorious Basterds were great), but Munich ranks at the top of my list of movies that sent me over the edge. This is a thriller that is not thrilling. A “history” movie that feels very revisionist. A lead that was the least convincing Jew of all time. The worst sex scene of all time, replacing the pool scene from Showgirls . This movie starts strong, but by the end, you feel much like the leads. Empty and unsatisfied. (Side Note – Munich star Mathieu Kassovitz is a terrific French director who made the criminally underrated Crimson Rivers).

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